Vows

I snagged these from somewhere. I think they're beautiful!

In the presence of the Light,
I take you to be my beloved,
I will be a courageous and adoring partner.
I ask you to be the same.
I promise to delight in you
and cherish your spirit,
to welcome life’s challenges with patience and humor,
I promise to revel in our differences
and in our passions.

This commitment is born of hope,
declared in the presence of family and friends,
nurtured with gratitude, lived joyfully
and made more true today.

Poem

it feels as though i make my way
through massive rock
like a vein of ore
alone, encased

i am so deep inside it
i can't see the path or any distance:
everything is close
and everything closing in on me
has turned to stone

since i still don't know enough about pain,
this terrible darkness makes me small
if it's you, though -

press down hard on me, break in
that i may know the weight of your hand,
and you, the fullness of my cry.

- Ranier Maria Rilke

Why I want to be lose weight

I am worth it.
I want to bend over to garden and not be out of breath.
I want to walk around the block, because it sounds fun.
I want to feel sexy.
I want to be sexy.
I hate the way my stomach lap feels.
I want to be proud of the way I look in pictures.
I want to wear a beautiful, average sized, wedding dress.
I want to participate in a mini triathalon.
I want my partner to not have to worry so much about my weight.
I'm tired of my legs rubbing together so terribly.
I don't want my nieces to think of me as fat.
I'm unhappy with me and I should do something about it.
I want others to think that Stacey has snagged as much of a hottie in me as I have in her.
I hate that I'm the fat one in my family.
I want to feel better.
I'm sick of excuses.

Reality

Reality hurts. It really fucking hurts.

Define Me

An excerpt from “Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?” by John Powell, S.J.

If I am anything as a person, it is what I: think, judge, feel, value, honor, esteem, love, hate, fear, desire, hope for, believe in and am committed to. These are the things that define my person, and they are constantly in process, in the process of change. Unless my mind and heart are hopelessly barricaded, all these things that define me as a person are forever changing.

My person is not a little hard core inside of me, a little fully-formed statue that is real and authentic, permanent and fixed; person rather implies a dynamic process. In other words, if you knew me yesterday, please do not think that it is the same person that you are meeting today.

I have experienced more of life, I have encountered new depths in those I love, I have suffered and prayed, and I am different.

Please do not give me a “batting average”, fixed and irrevocable, because I am “in there” constantly, taking my swings at the opportunities of daily living. Approach me, then, with a sense of wonder, study my face and hands and voice for the signs of change; for it is certain that I have changed. But even if you recognize this, I may be somewhat afraid to tell you who I am.

walls

Up, down, round and round. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Elated, crushed, honored, spit upon. Top of the world, lower than dirt. Important, inconsequential. Needed, wanted, desired, useless, tossed out, hindrance. It should be beauty, not pain. When will it be stable? I'm tired of the ride. Maybe I was better off with my walls up, cold, hard, impenetrable.

Rhetorical Questions

How is that the people we love the most, the ones we should be the closest to, we allow to walk away, lose a connection? When did I quit being honest? When did I give up? Why do we hurt the ones we love the most? Why do we hold each other to such impossible standards? Why is it never good enough to just be, to live our lives? Why are there such ridiculous expectations? Will we ever be able to just sit in a room and not judge? Does any one every truly just love another? What would happen if we all were totally transparent, honest? Would we still love each other, would we walk away, never to come back? Would we be horrified, ashamed? Maybe it would confirm our deepest fears, our greatest dreams? When did we start taking each other for granted? Why does it even matter? What if it never changes? What if it all changes?