Merry Christmas

For the S Project....
The Scheherazade Project: Theme 12/7/2006 - 12/19/2006

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus is the reason for the season. Damn it.

I was raised as a full-blooded, died-in-the-wool fundamental Christian. Christmas was always fun. It was happy and loud and family and food and Jesus. Leading up to Christmas there was lots of talk about the reason for Christmas, God’s sacrifice, the significance, why we celebrate, etc. Christmas Eve service was mandatory. If Christmas fell on a Sunday, church was mandatory (god I hated that). When we woke up on Christmas morning we had to wait till everyone was up and then we would rush to the living room to see what Santa had brought. After we inspected the goods it was time for The Nativity Story. Dad would read the account straight out of the Gospel of Luke. When we were smaller we acted out the story with the nativity characters, as we got older we would just listen. Finally that would be over and we would eat our traditional breakfast. YUMMY! Sliced grapefruit with powdered sugar, maraschino cherry juice and a cherry on top (the only time of year we would eat them that fancy), an egg bake, monkey bread and black tea. That will always be Christmas morning to me. By then I would be busting with excitement to watch people open the gifts I had selected for them. I love giving gifts. It is definitely more thrilling than receiving, although, I do love to get gifts too.

I like the way my Christmas was. I think that my parents did a great job of combining the sacred with the secular. I really do. It worked for them, it kept things in focus, but we were still allowed all the excitement of the gifts.

Now, I’m an adult, things are changing. How do I make sense of what my traditions should be? How does Christmas fit in when I no longer believe in Christianity? I respect the tradition, the past, but I don’t buy it anymore. I don’t think Jesus was born in a manger. I don’t think that he was sent to save the world. I’m not sure that I even want to set up a nativity set. Although I think it’s beautiful. I feel drawn to go to a Christmas Eve mass, but I feel like a hypocrite.

Christmas is about family. I am separated, headed towards a divorce. My in-laws are coming, from out of state, to my home, where I no longer live, to visit my husband for Christmas. I love them dearly, more than I thought possible, however, I don’t want to see them. Christmas is about family? Who is my family? How does any of this make sense?

The answers are within me. What makes it Christmas, to me? I think it’s the warmth, the candles, the smells, the music. It’s family, whatever that means to you. For me, this year, my family is my biological siblings, who are all rallying around me, my roommate, best friend, co workers, and new found friends. Family is who I choose to make it. Christmas is gratitude. I am grateful for new beginnings, freedom, a fresh chance, healing and even the pain. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to work through this. I am humbled at the love and appreciation people are showing me. I can not believe the way people have stepped up to support me. Not only the tried and true people, but others too. Christmas is about that. It’s about being the best person you can, about loving people, loving life and living it to the fullest. It’s walking the path that is true to you, making your own reality, writing your own nativity story, being honest and truthful and supporting people where they are.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!