Overwhelmed...

I wrote this a couple weeks ago, but didn't want it to get lost...

I feel an overwhelming flood of emotions, yet almost I feel nothing at all. It’s like in my mind I feel all kinds of things, but in my soul I am empty. Is it possible to have head emotion and not soul emotions? I feel guilty, angry, used, abused, worried, scared, I hurt. My body hurts. I want to go to sleep. I want this ride to stop. I want off. I didn’t sign up for this. Ha, I didn’t sign up for anything, really. Who signs up for life? I think we just fall out of the sky, random molecules that attach to someone’s uterus. They breathe life into us and mold us and shape us and sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. And the bad that I’ve seen and I’ve experienced is nothing, Nothing, compared to what some others have been through. My parents weren’t perfect, they demanded a lot, they were manipulative, they were not very available, sometimes I felt abandoned. But, truly, they loved us, they did the best they could and that was good. Their best was good! I was raised that people make mistakes, but most people I’ve encountered so far have not been terrible on purpose. How do you process it when someone is purposefully bad, I mean really, really, horrifically bad to their children, to their wife? How do I reconcile that with my world view? I don’t understand how someone could hurt someone else who is so precious. What the hell is the problem with people? What is this journey about anyways? It’s got to be more than just survival. Why are we here? Does any one really think they can make a difference? Is it egotistical to hope that I might make a lasting impact on someone, on anyone, on something , on anything? Who am I to think I might have that something special that might be enough? Hell, who am I kidding? My track record so far hasn’t been so great. I couldn’t survive a marriage. Maybe I drove him to hate me. Maybe if I hadn’t been so messed up it wouldn’t have messed him up too. I have fucked things up with my best friend. She is lost, I am lost, we are both hurting. And, if I live true to who I am, I will disappoint my family, possibly alienate my family, but if I don’t, I know I will alienate me, then I don’t have a hope…. I have to be true to me. I am not empty. My soul is not empty. I think it really is calm. These thoughts, these feelings and emotions are all crashing around in my head, but if I can close down for a moment and just be, then I can feel, in my soul, that I am calm. Calm and Expectant. I am ok. For today, I am ok. If I can shut up my head….

One Month

One month, 31 days, approximately 744 hours. That doesn’t sound like such a long time. Does it? How is that in the space of one month you have turned my life completely upside down? No, maybe you’ve turned it right side up. Or rather, maybe you are helping me, to turn it right side up.

Regardless, I am so glad that I met you. I am glad that I followed my desires, that I threw myself out there and just kept repeating live in the moment, live in the moment, live in the moment. I went for it and you gave me a chance.

You are an amazing person. I love being able to count you as a friend. You enrich the lives of everyone that you touch. But, you offered me so much more. Thank you for taking this journey with me, this beautiful ride. Thank you for your kindness, patience and desire, your questioning and challenging, the complete and total acceptance. Thank you for allowing me to be where I am, who I am and giving me the space to try to figure it out.

You have offered me a tremendous gift. I don’t think it is even intentional, but when I am with you, Sweetheart, I feel completely confident, beautiful and unashamed. I have never experienced that before. I am not sure I will again in the future, but for today, for this time, I am going to soak up every moment of it.

I hope that I have something to offer you as well. I hope that I am good to you and for you. I want you to see in yourself what I see in you. You are an amazing woman and I am so lucky to have this time with you.

Who I Am

I don’t want to be who I am, yet I want to embrace it with open arms and run, shouting it in the streets. I don’t want to face the reality, but I want everyone to know. I don’t understand why I feel the way I do. I don’t know why I shouldn’t accept it. Why is it wrong? Why do people care? Who gives a rip? When I look in your eyes my heart skips a beat. When I hear your voice my worries slip away. When I am in your arms I feel safe. Please tell me, how is that wrong?