Musings on The Mountain

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Overwhelmed...

I wrote this a couple weeks ago, but didn't want it to get lost...

I feel an overwhelming flood of emotions, yet almost I feel nothing at all. It’s like in my mind I feel all kinds of things, but in my soul I am empty. Is it possible to have head emotion and not soul emotions? I feel guilty, angry, used, abused, worried, scared, I hurt. My body hurts. I want to go to sleep. I want this ride to stop. I want off. I didn’t sign up for this. Ha, I didn’t sign up for anything, really. Who signs up for life? I think we just fall out of the sky, random molecules that attach to someone’s uterus. They breathe life into us and mold us and shape us and sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. And the bad that I’ve seen and I’ve experienced is nothing, Nothing, compared to what some others have been through. My parents weren’t perfect, they demanded a lot, they were manipulative, they were not very available, sometimes I felt abandoned. But, truly, they loved us, they did the best they could and that was good. Their best was good! I was raised that people make mistakes, but most people I’ve encountered so far have not been terrible on purpose. How do you process it when someone is purposefully bad, I mean really, really, horrifically bad to their children, to their wife? How do I reconcile that with my world view? I don’t understand how someone could hurt someone else who is so precious. What the hell is the problem with people? What is this journey about anyways? It’s got to be more than just survival. Why are we here? Does any one really think they can make a difference? Is it egotistical to hope that I might make a lasting impact on someone, on anyone, on something , on anything? Who am I to think I might have that something special that might be enough? Hell, who am I kidding? My track record so far hasn’t been so great. I couldn’t survive a marriage. Maybe I drove him to hate me. Maybe if I hadn’t been so messed up it wouldn’t have messed him up too. I have fucked things up with my best friend. She is lost, I am lost, we are both hurting. And, if I live true to who I am, I will disappoint my family, possibly alienate my family, but if I don’t, I know I will alienate me, then I don’t have a hope…. I have to be true to me. I am not empty. My soul is not empty. I think it really is calm. These thoughts, these feelings and emotions are all crashing around in my head, but if I can close down for a moment and just be, then I can feel, in my soul, that I am calm. Calm and Expectant. I am ok. For today, I am ok. If I can shut up my head….

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