Oh god. I am so confused. I am torn in every direction. My marriage is still a wreck. Sort of. I love my husband. I care deeply about him, but he makes me so unhappy. He is changing and becoming nicer but I am still so hurt. I can ask all kinds of changes, but what if it's never good enough? What if I'm never able to articulate enough what I need? What if I'm never able to be who I really am? I don't want to keep expecting more and more if he's simply unable to provide. What if it's just not good enough?


The second complication.... I am desperatly, head over heels, in love with my best friend. But, there are SO many problems with that. I am married. She is a female. I have a very old-fashioned religious family. I would almost assuredly lose contact with at least half of my family. I am scared that we may ruin our amazing friendship if we try a relationship. I've never been with a woman. Maybe I would hate it. Maybe I would love it. I don't want my desire for her to be clouding my marriage problems. She has been out of the country for 1+ years, was supposed to be gone another 1+ years. She is suddenly back in the states, will most likely be home in 45ish days. I am panicing. I don't want to cut back to a stupid, superficial friendship with her, but I honestly don't know if I can trust myself. Maybe my heart is too far gone.

I can't let him go.

July 25, 2007
Edit
In hindsight I was not in love with her. It was a fantasy land. I loved the idea. I love her. But, not in that way.