Musings on The Mountain

Vows

2009-06-19T22:47:00.001-06:00

I snagged these from somewhere. I think they're beautiful!

In the presence of the Light,
I take you to be my beloved,
I will be a courageous and adoring partner.
I ask you to be the same.
I promise to delight in you
and cherish your spirit,
to welcome life’s challenges with patience and humor,
I promise to revel in our differences
and in our passions.

This commitment is born of hope,
declared in the presence of family and friends,
nurtured with gratitude, lived joyfully
and made more true today.

Poem

2009-06-03T20:50:00.002-06:00

it feels as though i make my way
through massive rock
like a vein of ore
alone, encased

i am so deep inside it
i can't see the path or any distance:
everything is close
and everything closing in on me
has turned to stone

since i still don't know enough about pain,
this terrible darkness makes me small
if it's you, though -

press down hard on me, break in
that i may know the weight of your hand,
and you, the fullness of my cry.

- Ranier Maria Rilke

Why I want to be lose weight

2009-05-28T17:43:00.003-06:00

I am worth it.
I want to bend over to garden and not be out of breath.
I want to walk around the block, because it sounds fun.
I want to feel sexy.
I want to be sexy.
I hate the way my stomach lap feels.
I want to be proud of the way I look in pictures.
I want to wear a beautiful, average sized, wedding dress.
I want to participate in a mini triathalon.
I want my partner to not have to worry so much about my weight.
I'm tired of my legs rubbing together so terribly.
I don't want my nieces to think of me as fat.
I'm unhappy with me and I should do something about it.
I want others to think that Stacey has snagged as much of a hottie in me as I have in her.
I hate that I'm the fat one in my family.
I want to feel better.
I'm sick of excuses.

Reality

2007-10-23T12:37:00.000-06:00

Reality hurts. It really fucking hurts.

Define Me

2007-10-02T13:31:00.000-06:00

An excerpt from “Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?” by John Powell, S.J.

If I am anything as a person, it is what I: think, judge, feel, value, honor, esteem, love, hate, fear, desire, hope for, believe in and am committed to. These are the things that define my person, and they are constantly in process, in the process of change. Unless my mind and heart are hopelessly barricaded, all these things that define me as a person are forever changing.

My person is not a little hard core inside of me, a little fully-formed statue that is real and authentic, permanent and fixed; person rather implies a dynamic process. In other words, if you knew me yesterday, please do not think that it is the same person that you are meeting today.

I have experienced more of life, I have encountered new depths in those I love, I have suffered and prayed, and I am different.

Please do not give me a “batting average”, fixed and irrevocable, because I am “in there” constantly, taking my swings at the opportunities of daily living. Approach me, then, with a sense of wonder, study my face and hands and voice for the signs of change; for it is certain that I have changed. But even if you recognize this, I may be somewhat afraid to tell you who I am.

walls

2007-09-10T14:59:00.000-06:00

Up, down, round and round. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Elated, crushed, honored, spit upon. Top of the world, lower than dirt. Important, inconsequential. Needed, wanted, desired, useless, tossed out, hindrance. It should be beauty, not pain. When will it be stable? I'm tired of the ride. Maybe I was better off with my walls up, cold, hard, impenetrable.

Rhetorical Questions

2007-08-29T13:30:00.001-06:00

How is that the people we love the most, the ones we should be the closest to, we allow to walk away, lose a connection? When did I quit being honest? When did I give up? Why do we hurt the ones we love the most? Why do we hold each other to such impossible standards? Why is it never good enough to just be, to live our lives? Why are there such ridiculous expectations? Will we ever be able to just sit in a room and not judge? Does any one every truly just love another? What would happen if we all were totally transparent, honest? Would we still love each other, would we walk away, never to come back? Would we be horrified, ashamed? Maybe it would confirm our deepest fears, our greatest dreams? When did we start taking each other for granted? Why does it even matter? What if it never changes? What if it all changes?

Beautiful

2007-08-14T09:24:00.000-06:00

How do you say goodbye to something so beautiful? How do you let go of someone you adore? What do you do when your gut tells you to go one direction, but every other part of you wants something else? I'm sorry that I hurt you. I guess we both knew it would happen, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I want to tell you that I didn't mean it, that we can figure it out, but that would just be a bandaid, a mask, it would only serve to prolong the heartache. So, instead, I am going to be honest, do what my gut is telling me I have to do. I am so glad that I met you, that we took this journey. It was more beautiful, more meaningful then I had ever dreamed possible. Thank you.

Overwhelmed...

2007-07-25T13:08:00.000-06:00

I wrote this a couple weeks ago, but didn't want it to get lost...

I feel an overwhelming flood of emotions, yet almost I feel nothing at all. It’s like in my mind I feel all kinds of things, but in my soul I am empty. Is it possible to have head emotion and not soul emotions? I feel guilty, angry, used, abused, worried, scared, I hurt. My body hurts. I want to go to sleep. I want this ride to stop. I want off. I didn’t sign up for this. Ha, I didn’t sign up for anything, really. Who signs up for life? I think we just fall out of the sky, random molecules that attach to someone’s uterus. They breathe life into us and mold us and shape us and sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. And the bad that I’ve seen and I’ve experienced is nothing, Nothing, compared to what some others have been through. My parents weren’t perfect, they demanded a lot, they were manipulative, they were not very available, sometimes I felt abandoned. But, truly, they loved us, they did the best they could and that was good. Their best was good! I was raised that people make mistakes, but most people I’ve encountered so far have not been terrible on purpose. How do you process it when someone is purposefully bad, I mean really, really, horrifically bad to their children, to their wife? How do I reconcile that with my world view? I don’t understand how someone could hurt someone else who is so precious. What the hell is the problem with people? What is this journey about anyways? It’s got to be more than just survival. Why are we here? Does any one really think they can make a difference? Is it egotistical to hope that I might make a lasting impact on someone, on anyone, on something , on anything? Who am I to think I might have that something special that might be enough? Hell, who am I kidding? My track record so far hasn’t been so great. I couldn’t survive a marriage. Maybe I drove him to hate me. Maybe if I hadn’t been so messed up it wouldn’t have messed him up too. I have fucked things up with my best friend. She is lost, I am lost, we are both hurting. And, if I live true to who I am, I will disappoint my family, possibly alienate my family, but if I don’t, I know I will alienate me, then I don’t have a hope…. I have to be true to me. I am not empty. My soul is not empty. I think it really is calm. These thoughts, these feelings and emotions are all crashing around in my head, but if I can close down for a moment and just be, then I can feel, in my soul, that I am calm. Calm and Expectant. I am ok. For today, I am ok. If I can shut up my head….

One Month

2007-07-25T08:22:00.000-06:00

One month, 31 days, approximately 744 hours. That doesn’t sound like such a long time. Does it? How is that in the space of one month you have turned my life completely upside down? No, maybe you’ve turned it right side up. Or rather, maybe you are helping me, to turn it right side up.

Regardless, I am so glad that I met you. I am glad that I followed my desires, that I threw myself out there and just kept repeating live in the moment, live in the moment, live in the moment. I went for it and you gave me a chance.

You are an amazing person. I love being able to count you as a friend. You enrich the lives of everyone that you touch. But, you offered me so much more. Thank you for taking this journey with me, this beautiful ride. Thank you for your kindness, patience and desire, your questioning and challenging, the complete and total acceptance. Thank you for allowing me to be where I am, who I am and giving me the space to try to figure it out.

You have offered me a tremendous gift. I don’t think it is even intentional, but when I am with you, Sweetheart, I feel completely confident, beautiful and unashamed. I have never experienced that before. I am not sure I will again in the future, but for today, for this time, I am going to soak up every moment of it.

I hope that I have something to offer you as well. I hope that I am good to you and for you. I want you to see in yourself what I see in you. You are an amazing woman and I am so lucky to have this time with you.

Who I Am

2007-07-02T15:35:00.001-06:00

I don’t want to be who I am, yet I want to embrace it with open arms and run, shouting it in the streets. I don’t want to face the reality, but I want everyone to know. I don’t understand why I feel the way I do. I don’t know why I shouldn’t accept it. Why is it wrong? Why do people care? Who gives a rip? When I look in your eyes my heart skips a beat. When I hear your voice my worries slip away. When I am in your arms I feel safe. Please tell me, how is that wrong?

Alone/Community

2007-04-30T15:30:00.000-06:00

This is for The Project. It was inspired by Maya Angelou's "Alone"

I was sitting, thinking a couple nights ago. People were not meant to be alone. It’s not ok or normal that so many people just exist with no one really caring. How is it that you hear on the news of people who died six weeks ago and no one noticed that they were gone? They’ve been lying dead in their living room for weeks. That’s outrageous! Are we all too busy to care? Are we scared of getting to know someone? Maybe it’s that to have a relationship you have to make yourself vulnerable. I don’t know what it is, however, it’s unacceptable and inexcusable.

In this country, generally speaking, we think we have everything we need, if we stop and think about it we really have more than we need. We have food, housing, cars, clothes, jobs, entertainment, etc, etc. But, what about our basic needs of companionship and community? It is so important to have a connection with other people, to recognize that you are part of a much bigger picture.

Almost every time a horrific crime is committed against humanity it is perpetuated by someone who was known as a loner, who did not have any friends, few connections to other people. What if the perpetrator could have allowed him self to be part of a community? Would the outcome be different? Would history be changed? “It is the insensibility of one human being towards another, the failure to realize what is passing in another human being’s heart, the lack of sympathy, which is the cause of so much cruelty of man towards man.” – Fyodor Dostoevsky

What if we made more of an effort in our day to day lives? You never know the impact that something simple may have on someone’s life. An encouraging word for the frazzled mom in the grocery store, a “thank you” to the bank teller, dinner for a hungry college student, really, how hard would it be to take a couple minutes and encourage someone?

I challenge each and every one of us to reach out this week. Tell a stranger hello, thank someone for a daily task and be a little vulnerable. Maybe you will be able to see what is passing in another’s heart and they will be able to see into yours.

Peace.

Failure

2007-04-26T08:35:00.000-06:00

I spent most of the night fighting with my ex on the phone. I am never good enough for him. I don’t know why that should surprise me. I was never good enough when we were together. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what I would say, do, cook, buy, wear, be, clean, support, give up, no matter what, I was never ok. He was never able to just accept me and love me. Why would I expect it to be any different now?

I will never be good enough. If he couldn’t accept me then he certainly won’t now. I can not offer any more of myself. I will not go back. I can not be his sole source of support. I can not do this anymore. I just can’t. If that makes me a failure then I guess I’m a failure. What else is there I can do?

Merry Christmas

2006-12-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

For the S Project....
The Scheherazade Project: Theme 12/7/2006 - 12/19/2006

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus is the reason for the season. Damn it.

I was raised as a full-blooded, died-in-the-wool fundamental Christian. Christmas was always fun. It was happy and loud and family and food and Jesus. Leading up to Christmas there was lots of talk about the reason for Christmas, God’s sacrifice, the significance, why we celebrate, etc. Christmas Eve service was mandatory. If Christmas fell on a Sunday, church was mandatory (god I hated that). When we woke up on Christmas morning we had to wait till everyone was up and then we would rush to the living room to see what Santa had brought. After we inspected the goods it was time for The Nativity Story. Dad would read the account straight out of the Gospel of Luke. When we were smaller we acted out the story with the nativity characters, as we got older we would just listen. Finally that would be over and we would eat our traditional breakfast. YUMMY! Sliced grapefruit with powdered sugar, maraschino cherry juice and a cherry on top (the only time of year we would eat them that fancy), an egg bake, monkey bread and black tea. That will always be Christmas morning to me. By then I would be busting with excitement to watch people open the gifts I had selected for them. I love giving gifts. It is definitely more thrilling than receiving, although, I do love to get gifts too.

I like the way my Christmas was. I think that my parents did a great job of combining the sacred with the secular. I really do. It worked for them, it kept things in focus, but we were still allowed all the excitement of the gifts.

Now, I’m an adult, things are changing. How do I make sense of what my traditions should be? How does Christmas fit in when I no longer believe in Christianity? I respect the tradition, the past, but I don’t buy it anymore. I don’t think Jesus was born in a manger. I don’t think that he was sent to save the world. I’m not sure that I even want to set up a nativity set. Although I think it’s beautiful. I feel drawn to go to a Christmas Eve mass, but I feel like a hypocrite.

Christmas is about family. I am separated, headed towards a divorce. My in-laws are coming, from out of state, to my home, where I no longer live, to visit my husband for Christmas. I love them dearly, more than I thought possible, however, I don’t want to see them. Christmas is about family? Who is my family? How does any of this make sense?

The answers are within me. What makes it Christmas, to me? I think it’s the warmth, the candles, the smells, the music. It’s family, whatever that means to you. For me, this year, my family is my biological siblings, who are all rallying around me, my roommate, best friend, co workers, and new found friends. Family is who I choose to make it. Christmas is gratitude. I am grateful for new beginnings, freedom, a fresh chance, healing and even the pain. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to work through this. I am humbled at the love and appreciation people are showing me. I can not believe the way people have stepped up to support me. Not only the tried and true people, but others too. Christmas is about that. It’s about being the best person you can, about loving people, loving life and living it to the fullest. It’s walking the path that is true to you, making your own reality, writing your own nativity story, being honest and truthful and supporting people where they are.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

I left him....

2006-10-27T08:58:00.000-06:00

It's been 4 days. I know I did the right thing, but it's really sad and really hard. Yeah, that's about all I can say about it right now.

A Slow Descent

2006-10-05T11:46:00.000-06:00

For the S-Project

The sky is blue. The air is crisp. Fall is definitely in the air. I throw my arms out and start to spin
Around
Around
Around.

The ground is whirling. No longer can I see the individual leaves. It is just a mess of
Brown
Brown
Brown.

I keep spinning. My heart is pounding. My eyes are watering. I can't keep going. I fall
Down
Down
Down.

I lie on the ground, but I feel like I am still falling. My life is out of control. How can I go from being on top of the world to where I am now? I was a promising student, I had it all together, I was the class favorite. Everyone loved and respected me. I was a dynamite wife, a good housekeeper, loyal to a fault. Now I am left with nothing. My life has been reduced to this. This pitiful mess. I have made a slow desent into hell. I have hit the bottom. I will not allow him to hold me down.

Gentle Discipline & Parenting Books

2006-10-04T15:32:00.000-06:00

Books I want to read sometime:
Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen
Kids Are Worth It : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline by Barbara Coloroso.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
Your Competent Child by Jesper Juul
Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by mary sheedy kurcinka
Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort
Becoming the parent you want to be
Living Joyfully With Kids
Adventures in Gentle Discipline by Hilary Flower
Parenting from the Inside Out
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
The Secret of Parenting by Anthony Wolf

Truth

2006-09-26T14:49:00.000-06:00

This is fiction. For the S Project

I am so confused. Why can't I breathe? Why are my arms tied down? Where the hell am I? Damn it! What is going on? I drift off again...

"Dina, Dina, honey? Can you hear me?" I can hear the sound, but I don't know where it's coming from. Silence. "Hey you? How are you doing? We are worried about you?" I dont reply, I can't open my eyes, I don't know how to answer. Silence.

Slowly I wake up. The lights are so bright, my family is gathered around me, my mom is hovering right over me. What is going on?

Oh, shit! The last thing I remember, I was sitting on my kitchen floor, it was something I did often. The cutting, the blood, the ritual. It is such a part of my life. At the end of a hard day I get the knife out of the drawer, sit on the cold floor. I take a few deep breaths.. The knife slides right into my skin. Red emerges and starts dripping. I feel euphoria, relief, peace. It's the only 5 minutes of peace I have in a day. This act, this ritual is all about me. In those fleeting moments I have control of my being. No one else can hurt me.

"Dina, my name is Dr. Nelson. Your husband found you passed out on the kitchen floor. You must have hit an artery. We have given you a transfusion. Once you are strong enough we will need to admit you to a psych ward. You need professional help. We want you to be well."

I don't need help. I am fine. Really.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is for The Scheheraze Project.

2006-08-10T16:32:00.000-06:00

Oh god. I am so confused. I am torn in every direction. My marriage is still a wreck. Sort of. I love my husband. I care deeply about him, but he makes me so unhappy. He is changing and becoming nicer but I am still so hurt. I can ask all kinds of changes, but what if it's never good enough? What if I'm never able to articulate enough what I need? What if I'm never able to be who I really am? I don't want to keep expecting more and more if he's simply unable to provide. What if it's just not good enough?

The second complication.... I am desperatly, head over heels, in love with my best friend. But, there are SO many problems with that. I am married. She is a female. I have a very old-fashioned religious family. I would almost assuredly lose contact with at least half of my family. I am scared that we may ruin our amazing friendship if we try a relationship. I've never been with a woman. Maybe I would hate it. Maybe I would love it. I don't want my desire for her to be clouding my marriage problems. She has been out of the country for 1+ years, was supposed to be gone another 1+ years. She is suddenly back in the states, will most likely be home in 45ish days. I am panicing. I don't want to cut back to a stupid, superficial friendship with her, but I honestly don't know if I can trust myself. Maybe my heart is too far gone.

I can't let him go.

July 25, 2007
Edit
In hindsight I was not in love with her. It was a fantasy land. I loved the idea. I love her. But, not in that way.

Emptiness

2006-06-26T10:14:00.000-06:00

I am writing this for The Scheherazade Project.

As I walk through the hallway my heart pounds, my ears buzz, my eyes glaze over. How is that in the midst of this crush of humanity I am still all alone? I walk next to someone, I brush a man's elbow, a woman's skirt swishes against my legs, yet I feel nothing.

Two weeks ago I found out the greatest news, I am pregnant. My beloved and I are expecting our first born. I have dreamed of being a mother since my very earliest memories. Such pure joy, rapture. I am going to be a mother. I tell no one. I want to keep this secret inside of me, just me and the baby for a few days longer. I don't even share it with my husband. I whisper to my child, I share the secrets of my life with them. I lie in bed at night rubbing the tight skin of my stomach and willing this little life to grow and develop.

Today I am empty. The fetus, my child has left. In a rush of pain and blood and agony it is over. As quickly as it began, it is done. All that is left is my hollowness. The hole in my heart that only my child, my dead child, could fill. I feel nothing.

---------------------------------------------
This piece is fiction, but based on true feelings that I have. Please feel free to give constructive criticism. I am interested in feedback.

Simple Living Books

2006-06-23T16:01:00.000-06:00

I want to read:
Not Buying It
- Judith Levine
This Suburban Life
Your Money or Your Life
The Simple Living Guide
- Janet Luhrs
Drop City
-TC Boyle
Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone
-Deborah Madison
Anything by Thich Nhat Hahn
Material World: A Global Family Portrait

Well, My First Blog

2006-06-23T12:30:00.000-06:00

Ha! I have now become a blogger. LOL I never thought that I would do this. My impetus though is The Scheherazade Project. I really want to take part in this and it seems that I have to have a blog in order to do so. Here I am!